I'm feeling expansive. I figured I would wax on at length about that most cliched and exhaustively discussed topic: Farts.

First, I'd like to direct you to this page, which is possibly the single most exhaustive fart resource I have ever seen. Other than Ned, that is.

Anyway, I'd like to direct your particular attention to the following facts:

1) Human beings release about 1/2 liter of rectal gas per day, distributed over about fourteen farts.

2) Women fart just as much as men, though perhaps not as often. As an aside, I was given an object lesson in this very fact a few weeks ago, when I was treated to a double fudge air brownie by a very nice lady with a perm and a floral print dress while we were in an airport shuttle. Not being afforded the luxury of air conditioning, opening windows, or the personality that would allow me to scream in horror and claw at the door handle until I passed out, I persevered in silence with my MP3 player on full blast. I'm going to go out on a limb and say there's an even chance the song was one of the following: Hendrix's "The Wind Cries Mary," Jose Carreras and the Vienna Boys' Choir singing Panis Angelicus (purposefully mangled translation: Heavenly Biscuit), or Billy Pilgrim's "Our Lady of the Mist," any of which I think would have been appropriate for the occasion.

3) EVERYONE farts, assuming they are not long-dead.

From these, we can draw a few conclusions.

1) Suzanne Somers, who supposedly once said she has never farted, is probably full of it, if the rumour is true. It being a giant fart, ready to explode and destroy us all.

2) That gorgeous/sexy/cute/hot/etc. person you see strutting around on TV, at the gym, in your dreams... they're all dropping about 14 gas nuggets every single day, and could fill your water bottle with poopourri every two days.

3) If your significant other doesn't fart during the day, he or she is saving it up to vent while they sleep. Corollary: That hot, seductive breath on your thigh in the middle of the night might not be a prelude to the fulfillment of your wildest sexual fantasy, which may or may not involve an albino Belgian dwarf and a hair-dryer. What? I'm not here to judge.

So, what have we learned? Well, probably nothing. But at least we had fun. Okay, at least I had fun.

http://crass.on.ru/flash/pingpong.html

I am practically gnawing on my lower lip with worried thought as I slouch toward my car, but I exchange the customary morning smile, wave, and "have a nice day" with my landlady.

She returns in kind, pausing a second to regard me with her head on one side. "You have such inner peace."

Double take. "Excuse me?"

"I said, you have such inner peace."

I'm a little groggy still, and it takes a few seconds to sink in. The eventual response is typical of my sparkling repartee.

"Wait... no I don't."

"Really? Whenever I see you, you seem to emanate peace."

All this time, I had thought I was a brooding bundle of raw nerve endings.

"Well... thank you." I smile hesitantly, but genuinely. "Have a good day today." I try to inject a little extra warmth into the phrase we've traded every day for the past year.

"You too." She grins and turns back to her work.

Ironically, for the rest of my commute, I am so busy turning this exchange over and over again in my mind, that I actually am at peace. The whole thing had the slow-motion, sunlit feel of getting hit in the back of the head with a bag full of morphine, and I can't kick the feeling that it means something.

Probably it means that I should intensify my diet and exercise routine; I suspect she has me confused with Buddha.

I've discovered that I really like long-haul drives. I don't know why. Maybe because I can use it as an excuse to eat CheetOs while watching bugs suicide on my windshield at 105mph. Which, as far as I can tell, is just about the pinnacle of the human experience. Here are some other highlights of the trip I made this weekend.

- Watched: The frighteningly transparent entrails of some unidentifiable bug slowly shiver up my windshield in a 95mph gale until it disappeared onto the top of my car. Should have been watching the road, but it was almost exactly like watching those sticky wall-walker toys that you used to get from the 25-cent toy vending machines, only in reverse.

- Saw THE COOLEST THING EVER, which was: A professor at a university I visited has the name "Mack A. Player," conveniently printed in copperplate on his door tag. Likely a Ph.D. in Pimpology.

- Saw: Jish and Purnima's new portable bear. Cute! Also saw it take a dump. Cuteness factor halved. Then it whined and chewed on my fingers a little. Cuteness factor restored!

- Heard: a truck driver have the most heinous BM ever, in a truck stop stall next to mine. Imagine a dozen water balloons, making out really enthusiastically with a jar of month-old mayonnaise. Then the balloons pop, and they're full of dead slugs, which you then eat. That face you made, right there! That was my reaction.

- Smelled: Take a guess.

- Ate: 1 bag Cheet-Os, 1 bag Fritos, 1 ziploc of "Hint of Lime" tortillas (Thanks P), french fries from Jack in the Box, and pizza. Now I am back on rabbit food.

- Drank: 1 canned coffee, 2 arizona iced tea, 3 bottled waters, and a beer. At least one of those was not consumed in the car.

- Listened to: Books on tape! I love Audible.

1) For Jish

2) For Ned

Making t-shirts is fun!