I had a movie night with a friend not long ago. We decided... at least, I decided, and my friend reluctantly agreed, to rent the worst movie we could possibly find, in the hope that it would be so bad that it would somehow turn the corner and end up being good.

This is a well-known phenomenon, and there are plenty of "Movies so bad they're good" lists out there on the web to prove it. Such movies on my list include:

- Mission to Mars
- Swimfan
- Anything with Jean-Claude Van Damme
- Anything with Steven Seagal (except that one I got for John, that one was terrible)
- Anything with Chuck Norris
- Any of Arnie's older schlock
- etc, etc. You get the idea.

So after spending way too much time at Blockbuster (whose selection, frankly, is about as well-rounded as a triangle), we had a four-way tie between the following titles:

- Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter
- Returner
- Senorita Justice
- Vampiyaz: Brothaz in Blood

My friend vetoed Senorita Justice, on the basis of its hot pink color scheme, and I voiced a favorable opinion of "Vampiyaz," because I nearly blacked out from laughing when I first saw the title. Jish kind of wanted to see Returner, more because he thought it would actually be good. I thought this was contrary to the spirit of the occasion, so I kicked him in the beanbag.

Not really, but I won.

Or lost, depending on your perspective.

We watched the whole movie, and it was every bit as good as I expected it to be. The problem was, it wasn't quite as bad as I was hoping, so it didn't manage to quite turn the corner into "awesome" status. However, we did learn a few things.

1) In the absence of a special-effects budget, one can immerse the viewers in the scene by having the evil vampire head honcho yell "My skin's bubbling... my skin's bubbling..." as he writhes in agony on the floor, bathed in sunlight.

2) By the same token, having the evil guys repeatedly groan "Owwww... Owwww...." really serves to let the viewer know that the baddies in question are in pain.

3) The best death curse ever in any movie ever made is in this movie. When the hero manages to eventually kill the vampire boss, he screams:

"Ouch, nigga, damn!"

Classic. I think I'm going to try to do something like this every month. With luck, I won't even lose that many friends in the process.

Well, I had a guy on the line to take the third room in a 3-bedroom apartment I'm trying to fill by this Saturday, but he dropped out. His most stand-out characteristic would be his last name: Butscheck. Apparently this isn't an entirely uncommon name for Germanic people. I told my friend that a potential roommate of mine probably had a lot of Butschecks in his past.

That was probably the most clever, urbane thing I've said in about 3 weeks. I can almost feel my wit shriveling up into a little dry brown nugget, like a Tater Tot forgotten in the fryer.

Mmm... tater tots.

Also, a piece of advice: Do NOT buy Jack-in-the-Box's root beer float. It looked good in the promo poster, and I was craving a root beer float, so I walked in. $1.99 + tax later, I was the proud owner of a plastic cup full of runny ass juice.

When I asked if I could have a root beer float instead of a glass of diarrhea, they threw me to the ground and injected me with e. coli.

Not really. But yeah... stick to the chicken sandwiches.

my people.

(Star wars Ep 3 spoilers)

Also, this.

All right, this is getting weird.

I'm looking for an apartment to move into at the end of the month, since I don't want to be one of those guys who just leeches off other people (I'm currently living in a friend's spare room). After doing some room hunting on my own, I discovered something.

It's a royal pain in the ass finding affordable housing just by yourself. Housing costs are astronomical for a single person; I figure the average 1-bedroom apartment costs about $800 per month. Add utilities, startup costs, and miscellaneous crap, and you're looking at around $900-1000/month, easy. Just for one person. A 2-bedroom apartment averages maybe $900. That means that, just as far as rent is concerned, 2 people can rent an apartment for about 56% (each) of what a single person can.

So I started contacting people with spare rooms for rent. The costs that way are much more reasonable; say, $450 per month, often including utilities. But there was still something that bugged me about it. It took me a little while to realize what exactly it was, but I finally did. It was the feeling of moving into someone else's space, on someone else's sufferance. I felt like a character out of Dickens, hand outstretched, begging some nebulous third party for shelter. I hate the feeling of being judged and evaluated by someone who holds power over me, and this goes for apartment hunting as much as it does for anything else. This made me unable to work up any real enthusiasm for the process.

Then, I realized that through the power of Craigslist, many things are possible. I found a great rate on a 3-bedroom, 2-bath apartment, and tossed up a post looking for roommates to fill the other two rooms. First, the numbers:

Rent on the 3-BR apartment: ~$1110/mo.
Per room: $370
With adjustments for the bathrooms: $390/360/360

This, in a modern apartment complex complete with all the modern amenities; i.e., good appliances, a gym, and a pool.

The beauty of this arrangement, too, is if this particular complex closes out, 3 people have a much easier time finding reasonable rental rates together than 1 person going it alone. Ah, the power of cooperation.

Now comes the deja vu.

There must be something about my Craigslist postings that attracts women. I swear, if I could bottle the stuff, I'd be a billionaire. Note I don't specify females specifically or anything, and I lay out all the relevant details about me up front (meaning, no "Billionaire Sensitive and Caring Abercrombie Model, Looks Just Like [insert random Hollywood beefcake], Seeking Soul- and/or Room-mates" posting). Here are some statistics about the respondents to my post, which went online 14 hours ago:

- 100% female
- 50% cat owners
- 100% my age or younger
- 25% too young to legally drink alcohol

I mean, honestly. I guess compared to some of the roommate wanted ads on Craigslist, a post from someone not trawling for a live-in prostitute must seem like manna from heaven. Take, for example, the following excerpts from this little treasure from some random dude:

"$1 - Seeking Female Roomate 4 Large Room & Private Bath"

That?s right! Rent is Notta, Zip, Zero, Zilch
[1...]What's the catch you say? :) Here it comes :)

I'm recently divorced and it's just to damn quiet :)

[2...]You?re a nudist! (Just kidding) But if you decide to skinny dip in the pool, I won't argue, in fact I'll bring you a cocktail with a little umbrella in it, like a pool side waiter ;)

[3...]Lastly, if you?re open minded, I could use the occasional recreational late night fling :) Again...I won't argue if you loose your way in the dark and accidentally stumble into my room ;) I DONT want any attachment, another girlfriend or wife, but obviously I miss some of the perks :)

[4...]If you?re cool, layed back, smile more than you frown :) Then please send pictures and tell me why you?re saying "Pick Me!..Pick Me!..Pick Me!" :)

On the one hand, you almost have to feel for the guy. He's lonely, and anyone can sympathize with that. On the other hands (and oh, there are SO many other hands)...

1) Never, ever, ever trust anyone who smiles this much, even via emoticons.

2) If you want a live-in nudist/exhibitionist, get a cat or a dog, and I dunno... shave it, or something. On second thought, I guess that could involve breaking a bunch of laws. I can't be sure, I haven't thoroughly researched the local statutes concerning creepy things people do. As for the drinks... can you say "roofie"? Come on kids, all together now. STRANGER DANGER!!

3) AIEEEEEEE!!! If I did any nocturnal wandering and/or stumbling in this guy's house, it would only be while armed with a 2x4 and a SWAT team.

4) "Pick Me! Pick Me! Pick Me!" -- Given the context, does this remind anyone else of the sound a small, innocent woodland creature might make, as it is nabbed by something with lots of teeth and claws?

So I recently moved from San Diego to a small town in Northern California. I have to say I like the atmosphere, but there are a few things that take some getting used to. For example:

1) This being a fairly quiet little town, the cops have nothing to do. Consequently, I got slapped with a $30 parking fine for parking behind some dude who had taken up 2 parking spaces along a street. That guy had the good fortune to leave before the cops came, so it looked like I had taken up two spaces. I committed this heinous crime ostensibly to protect my shiny, pristine, 1996 Nissan Sentra (86K miles and it looks like a green turd on wheels) from any superficial paint damage. Seeing as my car is worth virtually tens of dollars on the open market these days, you can see how I would want to protect my investment.

2) Four-way stops. What is up with four way stops?? I used to think how great it would be, not to have to wait for traffic lights to give you permission to cross an intersection. Now that I'm confronted with a grid street system plagued by four-way stops, I've come to fear the red octagon. If an intersection isn't deserted by the time I reach a four-way stop, I know I'm in for a white-knuckled minute or two, eyeing motorists and pedestrians alike with a jaundiced eye. I should probably learn how 4-way stops work. Hey look, a penny!

3) Convenience. If I want to find a fantastic lunch spot, I just walk a couple blocks from the front steps of the place I'm staying. If I want to find a hippy bookstore, an asian food mart, a quirky restaurant, an eclectic coffee shop, or a classy Indian restaurant? Same thing. Very convenient. However. If I want to go to Target and pick up some random household item, I need to drive 15 miles on the freeway to get to one. Similarly for Sears, etc. So that's a mixed bag right there.

4) Friendly people. People are so friendly here, it's weird. I've seen so many bared teeth, I'm almost at the point where I'm starting to worry that possibly these people are all just cannibals, and they're in the mood for Chinese.

Anyway. I'm having fun. I'm already looking for some work to occupy my time. I've discovered that free time is vastly overrated, unless you have something or someone to occupy it, at which point I suppose it isn't free anymore. Take that, logic!

One of the things I've done with my free time is think about all the movies based on comic books and video games lately. This really only took up about 3 minutes, but I was amused by the idea of the movie industry becoming so devoid of original thought that they started to make movie versions of all kinds of old video games:

1) Pong : From the creator of "The Ring" and "The Grudge," this is the story of a young Japanese boy who is trapped between two divorced parents who beat him mercilessly with paddles, then send him to the other's house. Eventually, I dunno. He turns grey or blue or something, and sucks the soul out of some teenaged girl. Also, lots of running water. Additionally, to add to the underground, artsy feel, his name is Koji or some shit, not Pong. Just watch those dirty Americans figure that one out! Bahahaha, just like that office calisthenics crap we pulled on them in the 80s!

2) Steve Irwin's Frogger : 97 minutes of Steve being eaten by crocodiles and run over by cars. Predicted to make $2 billion in Australia over its opening weekend.

3) Karateka, starring Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, David Carradine, and uh... Mr. T. What? Best movie ever. You don't even need a plot. All those guys could just stand around scratching their asses on screen, and it would still be awesome.

4) Spy Hunter : Starring, who else? David Hasselhoff and KITT. Second best movie ever.

5) David Lynch's Oregon Trail : A romantic comedy set in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. At one point, a buffalo wanders past in the background, silhouetted against a red sheet. A creepy midget says, "Doesn't she look just like..." before he dies of cholera and is buried next to a pile of buffalo and rabbit corpses. All the Fremen are carried away in the river when their wagon tips over.