jeff yen

Deja Vu

All right, this is getting weird.

I'm looking for an apartment to move into at the end of the month, since I don't want to be one of those guys who just leeches off other people (I'm currently living in a friend's spare room). After doing some room hunting on my own, I discovered something.

It's a royal pain in the ass finding affordable housing just by yourself. Housing costs are astronomical for a single person; I figure the average 1-bedroom apartment costs about $800 per month. Add utilities, startup costs, and miscellaneous crap, and you're looking at around $900-1000/month, easy. Just for one person. A 2-bedroom apartment averages maybe $900. That means that, just as far as rent is concerned, 2 people can rent an apartment for about 56% (each) of what a single person can.

So I started contacting people with spare rooms for rent. The costs that way are much more reasonable; say, $450 per month, often including utilities. But there was still something that bugged me about it. It took me a little while to realize what exactly it was, but I finally did. It was the feeling of moving into someone else's space, on someone else's sufferance. I felt like a character out of Dickens, hand outstretched, begging some nebulous third party for shelter. I hate the feeling of being judged and evaluated by someone who holds power over me, and this goes for apartment hunting as much as it does for anything else. This made me unable to work up any real enthusiasm for the process.

Then, I realized that through the power of Craigslist, many things are possible. I found a great rate on a 3-bedroom, 2-bath apartment, and tossed up a post looking for roommates to fill the other two rooms. First, the numbers:

Rent on the 3-BR apartment: ~$1110/mo.
Per room: $370
With adjustments for the bathrooms: $390/360/360

This, in a modern apartment complex complete with all the modern amenities; i.e., good appliances, a gym, and a pool.

The beauty of this arrangement, too, is if this particular complex closes out, 3 people have a much easier time finding reasonable rental rates together than 1 person going it alone. Ah, the power of cooperation.

Now comes the deja vu.

There must be something about my Craigslist postings that attracts women. I swear, if I could bottle the stuff, I'd be a billionaire. Note I don't specify females specifically or anything, and I lay out all the relevant details about me up front (meaning, no "Billionaire Sensitive and Caring Abercrombie Model, Looks Just Like [insert random Hollywood beefcake], Seeking Soul- and/or Room-mates" posting). Here are some statistics about the respondents to my post, which went online 14 hours ago:

- 100% female
- 50% cat owners
- 100% my age or younger
- 25% too young to legally drink alcohol

I mean, honestly. I guess compared to some of the roommate wanted ads on Craigslist, a post from someone not trawling for a live-in prostitute must seem like manna from heaven. Take, for example, the following excerpts from this little treasure from some random dude:

"$1 - Seeking Female Roomate 4 Large Room & Private Bath"

That?s right! Rent is Notta, Zip, Zero, Zilch
[1...]What's the catch you say? :) Here it comes :)

I'm recently divorced and it's just to damn quiet :)

[2...]You?re a nudist! (Just kidding) But if you decide to skinny dip in the pool, I won't argue, in fact I'll bring you a cocktail with a little umbrella in it, like a pool side waiter ;)

[3...]Lastly, if you?re open minded, I could use the occasional recreational late night fling :) Again...I won't argue if you loose your way in the dark and accidentally stumble into my room ;) I DONT want any attachment, another girlfriend or wife, but obviously I miss some of the perks :)

[4...]If you?re cool, layed back, smile more than you frown :) Then please send pictures and tell me why you?re saying "Pick Me!..Pick Me!..Pick Me!" :)

On the one hand, you almost have to feel for the guy. He's lonely, and anyone can sympathize with that. On the other hands (and oh, there are SO many other hands)...

1) Never, ever, ever trust anyone who smiles this much, even via emoticons.

2) If you want a live-in nudist/exhibitionist, get a cat or a dog, and I dunno... shave it, or something. On second thought, I guess that could involve breaking a bunch of laws. I can't be sure, I haven't thoroughly researched the local statutes concerning creepy things people do. As for the drinks... can you say "roofie"? Come on kids, all together now. STRANGER DANGER!!

3) AIEEEEEEE!!! If I did any nocturnal wandering and/or stumbling in this guy's house, it would only be while armed with a 2x4 and a SWAT team.

4) "Pick Me! Pick Me! Pick Me!" -- Given the context, does this remind anyone else of the sound a small, innocent woodland creature might make, as it is nabbed by something with lots of teeth and claws?