Well, it’s all over.
That's it... show's over, folks. Expect a gradual cessation of posts like this, and hopefully more stories about getting farted on at the gym.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I offered a timeline, told her I wanted to work at it, and see if we could keep things going. But she was either too frightened, impatient, or -- and I do have to face this as a probability -- reasonable and clear-headed to consider it.
We never really had much going for us, I guess. The culture barrier and the distance, of course, would have worked against us. I thought we could have dealt with it, but she saw 12,000 miles and her family dynamic as insurmountable barriers. I guess I can't be sure if she was wrong.
She has a pretty clear picture of how she wants her life to be, and she's positive an imminent marriage is the next step to that -- even admitting that it may not matter so much who is involved.
The most painful side of it is, I can't shake the suspicion that her practicality has already moved her further along her path, and she's trying to keep me in the dark. A lot of the signs are there, but there's no telling for sure. I guess that's the part really eating at me; the feeling of a betrayal. I don't open myself up to people often, nor very much -- this place, where I bare my soul to any East European spam bot that cares to drop in, is the exception that proves the rule -- and for a while I felt like this might be too much to handle.
It still might be, for certain things. But in all this mess, I have learned a few things. Some are old and known, some are new (to me), and some are borrowed. Nothing blue, sorry. That ship has sailed.
- There are people in my life that won't screw me (figuratively), even if they're heartily sick of my bullshit. Also, to my unabashedly abashed surprise, my parents can stand up and be counted among them.
- If I'm being honest, I'm probably not as cynical and disinterested in other people as I think... but I'm also more of a wuss than I like to admit.
- Things will get different. Maybe not better, but that's largely up to me. See that? Self-actualization. That's like SCIENCE, that is.
- I'm a narcissist. Self-loathing, sure, but they're not mutually exclusive properties. I haven't decided yet whether my narcissism falls within the normal range for human self-interest, but seriously, come on. Look around at this site. This is like, a fucking temple to my self-abused ego.
- I can be unbelievably petty.
- Cherish the good, forgive the bad, learn from it all, and keep moving.
- That kind of sounds like a country music lyric. Except instead of "moving" I would have had "truckin'".
- I HATE country music.
Regardless of how it ends, the journey was amazing. I'll treasure almost all of the memories, and on balance I believe we'll both be better people for it, albeit in very different ways.
Knowing all that sometimes doesn't help, especially when I remember those special moments we'll never have a chance to revisit. And I'm positive I still have more blank staring to do.
But it's good enough for right now.