Cyber-Narcissism
Okay, so I'll admit I'm kind of a stalker online. Not in a creepy way, of course. At least, I hope not. I leave Facebook on, and every time the window blinks I'm kind of excited about what it might have for me, or I'll randomly Google someone I know just to see what pops up. Usually, the result is some Facebook app sending me an advertisement, or a forced re-evaluation of my life choices by seeing how much more interesting all my acquaintances are compared to me.
That does raise an interesting question, though: if I were a sociopathic stalker, would I be able to admit the fact to myself? A consideration for another post, maybe.
All right.
So, one of the main people I like to stalk online is, of course, myself. This should come as no surprise to anyone who has spent more than a couple seconds on this site, since I am so obviously self-obsessed.
The primary way I stalk myself is by browsing the access logs on this very same site, to see who's been accessing it. Partially because it interests me to see the fallout from my serendipitously timed (and singularly useless, except to me and possibly two other people in the world) WordPress plugin, but mostly because I like to scan the sometimes amazingly strange web searches that have led people to this website.
Here are a few favorites:
1) "after jailbreak i can't watch apple trailers" (Google)
This led to my "Apple Sucks, Still" post. I'm thinking the user left disappointed, for which I apologize, but really... he can't say I didn't warn him. After the fact, but still.
2) "apple sucks 2009" (Google)
You can probably guess which post this led to. The kicker? This user was surfing with Safari, on Mac OS X. I feel for you.
3) "seeking for a nudist roommate" (Yahoo)
I'm actually a little frightened that this person was reading my weblog. The combination of questionable grammar and the unclarified desire for a live-in nudist -- is the seeker a nudist looking for a like-minded roommate, or just someone who just likes to have a stranger's junk planted on the sofa? -- suggests depths of mystery that are too deep and dark to plumb without a great deal of courage, and ideally some kind of sprayable disinfectant.
4) "veni, vidi, abii" (Google)
This was weird... a Latin phrase that I guessed should mean "I came, I saw, I left." Intended to be a play on Julius Caesar's "I came, I saw, I conquered," reflecting my ineffectual attempt at some kind of re-vectoring of my life in Davis. I realize now, the translation sounds like some kind of sleazy Ancient Roman one-night stand. It actually kicks over to my original Blogspot page, so on top of that I have no idea how they got to this site.
5) "jeff yen blogs" (Google)
This is amusing mostly because the guy performing the search is in Singapore, and I know that there's another Jeff Yen in Singapore who posts in a weblog of his own, over at Blogspot. I've never read his site, but being the author of this one, I can practically guarantee that his is more frequently and almost assuredly more eloquently updated than this one.
Sadly, I got to the domain registration first. Sorry, dude. I have jeffyen.net too, but I think I'm letting it lapse this year -- jeffyen.org is open if you want it.
6) "ghonie jish" (Google Canada)
I have no idea who this is, but apparently they know two of my friends. Curiouser and curiouser....
7) "whisknladle blog" (Google)
This one's great. The search took them to my WhisknLadle review, but then the log shows this poor user clicking, with increasing speed, through four more posts, as if he/she is getting increasingly frustrated at not finding what they expected (I'm guessing some nice food reviews, or at least not as much perversion and geekery).
8) "how do people disappear melodrama" (Google UK)
This could go a couple different ways. A missing loved one? Maybe unrequited love? An ex-boy/girlfriend who has blocked all online discourse and refuses phone calls? My sympathy knows no bounds. Then again, it could be someone searching for ways to dispose of an inconvenient corpse. Much cooler.
9) "cancel my 24 hour fitness membership" (Google)
This one's great, because it went directly to my post on how 24-hour fitness is run by assholes. I hope they learned what they needed.
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And now... what follows is my favorite by far, and what actually prompted me to start writing this, after I managed to stop laughing and wiped my eyes dry:
"how to use the pocket thingy in mens underwear" (Google)
For some reason, my site is ranked 8th in this particular search. I hesitate to guess what kind of troubles this poor guy was having with his underwear. In fact, my entire being shrinks from the attempt in terror. I cannot help but think that knowing this person must immeasurably enrich the lives of all those around him.
The real bonus here is that this person came back four minutes later.
Ah, the wonder of the Internet.