jeff yen

JJ came to visit for a few days, and we managed to grab some quality time together (at the expense of some of my clients’ sanity… sorry guys). Anyway, the vacation’s over and I’m back in the saddle.

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I’ve been fortunate enough to have become acquainted with several supposed five-star hotels; when I was young, our family vacations usually consisted of month-long jaunts to Europe, Southeast Asia, or the like, doing the tourist circuit and generally being frustrated with each other. The only definitive conclusion about five star hotels that I have been able to draw from this experience is that the value of a star is immensely variable, completely subjective, and often negotiable.

So, when I was making arrangements for JJ and me to celebrate our 1-year anniversary (short a week, but close enough), I figured I’d try to give her something she’s never or only very rarely encountered before, namely a taste of luxury. She’s stayed in upper scale hotels before… possibly once or twice, on business trips with her father… but the aforementioned variability is particularly evident here in China, and a five-star hotel somewhere like Wuhan may not rate much higher than a motel with a fancy lobby in the States.

And then there’s the question of… well, of class. In most higher-end hotels I’ve seen in China, they have two baskets of items that a customer might need. One is free for use; toothbrushes, shampoo, conditioner, hand soap, and so on. The other is kind of like a minibar, with a price tag stuck on each product, usually in unobvious places. They also consist of items that, when needed, customers in a bind would usually be willing to pay the exorbitant prices; things like condoms, lubricant, feminine hygiene products, and various kinds of OTC medication.

Not classy.

So, I opted to book a place I’d seen once before, visiting a friend who was staying there. Long story short, it was probably the best hotel I’ve ever stayed in from a design standpoint, but it was lacking in the service department. I posted a long and boring review on TripAdvisor, but here’s 6000 words’ worth for you:

We hit up a massage parlor that Christine recommended, and it was amazing. After having experienced massage at the hands of this guy, I can honestly say that I have never really had a massage before.

We also went to Din Tai Fung (by pure chance, we were walking past it and I remembered Jishnu mentioning it), a Taiwanese restaurant. The Taipei branch has a Michelin star. I don’t know what to expect from Michelin ratings, really, but I certainly hope this branch is not representative of the one in Taipei. Every dish we tried was overpriced, under-seasoned, and overall a major disappointment. I would not visit that restaurant again if the food were free; the flavors are not worth the trip to their door.

And we went to my favorite Indian restaurant in Shanghai, Lotus Land. JJ never had Indian food before, and she loved it all. We ate like maniacs and lived to regret it. We ordered the yellow dal, and it is the only place anywhere I’ve found that even gets close to the flavor of the Palace Restaurant (a.k.a Paki Palace) of my youth in Yanbu, K.S.A. Even at the tourist prices they charge, I’ll be back at the next opportunity.

After our dinner at Lotus Land, we cruised around the Tianzifang area… she bought me a hat, which was supposed to keep my ears from freezing this winter, but so far has just been used to make me look even more ridiculous than normal. I wore this hat during the check-out process at our hotel, which was great fun. I also bought her a hat, which is no use at all in cold weather, but I think looks great on her.

And finally, after eating all that food, it turns out she likes the stuff I make the best, which I find very gratifying, but bodes ill for time away from washing dishes.

Also, after decapitating, flaying, and disemboweling two or three pounds of live shrimp, feeling the tails push weakly against my hand as I peeled off the shells, and watching the internal muscles twitch madly after I butterflied them, I can honestly say that I am edging ever closer to vegetarianism… or at least, buying my shrimp frozen.

Seriously. Fuck everything about that.